Alcohol fixes nothing

I have an ongoing battle with booze.  I recently took a personal oath to meditate instead of drink when tension or irritability arose.  The first night I actually tried it, it worked.  It was dinnertime/home from work/cleanup/get Anya ready for bed time and I was just irritated.  Most evenings are like this because I feel so rushed and I'm tired from having been at work all day.  Getting home doesn't mean rest.  It means more demands for another 3 hours until I can crash. I imagined that a glass of wine would relax me and take the edge off.  It always does.  I can coast through moments that would otherwise bring out my inner bitch.  Nothing bothers me, and I feel free from the voice in my head that insists that certain things need to be done in a certain order for all to be well.  But, while intoxicated, however slightly it may be, the alcohol also totally interferes with my ability to be fully present.  I fall asleep without having planned my morning, without having given myself a head start on the dishes or making Anya's lunch for school the next day.  I will often forget to brush my teeth and wash my face, and will likely sleep in, not have time for a shower the next day, and end up being late anyway.  I knew that reaching for a drink when I felt the need to chill out was NOT a healthy response to stress.  I rationalized it by telling myself that LOTS of people do it, therefore, it must be perfectly acceptable.  And while it may be acceptable for some, for me, it is a red flag waving in my face shouting "You have a family history of alcoholism!" 
It was also a clue that I was doing myself no favors in regard to actually FACING the feelings I was having.  My spiritual practice of choice is basically just that: being totally present with WHAT IS, and not flinching.  Instead of looking at my irritation and recognizing that it was just the ego caught up in a story, I was caught up in that story.  So, the night I tried meditation instead of wine, I literally said to Eli "I need a few minutes."  Then, I excused myself to the bedroom, sat on the floor, closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing for about 5 minutes.  I emerged from that brief exercise with the tightness in my chest much loosened, if not gone altogether.  I was equipped to face the remainder of the evening.  It was so easy.  Easier actually than drinking, avoiding, and tuning out my life.
Fast forward to our Anniversary--about a week later.  Eli and I got a babysitter and went out to the movies and then dinner.  We do this about once a year, so it was a big deal.  The restaurant was great and had a long, beautiful wine list to match.  I decided it was OK for me to have a glass of champagne.  After all, I wasn't drinking it to calm myself or ease any sort of perceived ailment.  I love champagne!  The bubbles and sweetness are so celebratory, and being married to my high school sweetheart for 14 years was certainly cause for celebration!  I enjoyed the glass, ate my dinner and ordered another.  Conversation between my husband and I was a bit sillier than perhaps it would have been, but we're silly people.  I like feeling flirtatious and fun after all these years together.  We went home, cuddled on the couch, and I promptly fell asleep.  Around 2am, I woke up feeling as if I had been poisoned.  My stomach was sick, I was dizzy, and for some reason, all I wanted to do was lay down in the kitchen and place my cheek on the cold linoleum.  Eli got up and found some charcoal capsules for me and gave me a glass of water.  I took some melatonin and got back in bed.  This morning I woke up feeling OK, but really tired.  I am convinced that alcohol-induced sleep is not very high quality sleep.  All day I trudged through a slow day at work made even slower by my fatigue.  I should probably be getting in bed now, but I really wanted to get all this down before it escaped me.
So far, alcohol has kicked my ass more times than I've kicked it's ass.  There is a reason some people (like my dear husband) choose not to drink.  He told me last night that if I went without a drink for 6 months, I'd never want to go back.  I don't know about that.  But, I'm willing to give it a try.  Luckily, I know of some really tasty celebratory drinks that have zero booze.  Non-alcoholic champagne is actually pretty good.  Non-alcoholic wine is another story.  Going into the holiday season with this kind of resolution is going to be challenging!

Non-Dairy Baking experiment #34

I LOVE carrot cake.  The cream cheese frosting really makes it with it's subtle tang and sweet creaminess.  I, however, cannot tolerate dairy products.  No matter how many probiotics I try, no matter what kind of cow milk product I ingest, I always end up with the same abdominal pain that tells me "You should not be eating this!"

I searched the internet for recipes for vegan cream cheese frosting.  All I could find were very basic recipes that called for confectioner's sugar, margarine, and vegan cream cheese.
I will be the first to tell you that yes, vegan cream cheese is pretty revolting.  It tastes waxy and vaguely of tofu, without much tartness to speak of.
After doing some more searching, I found a recipe here for vegan cream cheese itself:
http://ohhmay.com/2010/02/11/i-cant-believe-its-not-cream-cheese/
I decided that I would try to incorporate nutritional yeast into a vegan vanilla frosting recipe from BabyCakes NYC:
http://www.marthastewart.com/recipe/vanilla-frosting-erin-mckenna

I have altered the recipe by adding 1 Tbsp nutritional yeast flakes, adding twice as much agave nectar as called for and using almond milk instead of soy or rice milk.  The recipe states that the frosting be refrigerated for at least 6 hours before using.  I'm not sure of the reason for this, but I did taste test the frosting before it went into the fridge and I will surely taste test it when it comes out!
Result:  A bit too much 'texture' for my taste.  slightly grainy.  Can't tell if it's the assortment of powders in the recipe or the addition of the yeast.  Isn't frosting something you're supposed to want to eat all by itself?

Not this one.

Tomorrow: the carrot cake.  Let's hope the frosting tastes better when eaten on actual cake.

DAY #2
This carrot cake recipe came from the Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook, which we carry in the store where I work.  http://hummingbirdbakery.com/
I shamelessly photocopied the recipe and have been planning it's execution for weeks.  I substituted Spelt flour for wheat flour and used canola oil instead of the called for Sunflower oil.  It smelled amazing while it was baking and, having just eaten a piece, is quite tasty.

While still undecided about the flavor of the frosting, I experimented with another recipe given to me by my friend Heather:

1/2 cup raw cashews
1/3rd cup water
1/4 to 1/2 cup agave nectar (depending on desired sweetness)
1 tsp vanilla extract
All blended into oblivion in the food processor until smooth.

To this recipe I added lemon juice, coconut oil, coconut flour, and soy milk powder.  I also added another half cup of cashews, as it was too thin.  I didn't measure, I just kept adding and blending and tasting.  The flavor was much closer to what I wanted, but the texture was too runny and I was just about DONE with making frosting.  So, I refrigerated it, hoping it would set up.  It did not set up.
I used it to frost between the layers of cake, and watched as they slowly slid off each other in one particular direction.  To the freezer with you!

Several hours later, the cake perfectly layered and frozen into place, I decided to mix what was left of the cashew frosting with equal parts of the funky frosting and cover the cake.  A sprinkle of cinnamon, and a few decorative walnuts made it slightly prettier than it was before, but this ain't no show cake.  But, it show is tasty.

My search to fill the void

A conversation between my husband and I last night somehow reminded me of my constant grasping.  Though my Zen teacher Michael has pointed this out many times, and though my ego keeps thinking it has it all figured out, it's still there........a nagging sense of lack. 
Perhaps all I need is more time spent in meditation.  That seems to be the answer to every lingering 'problem'.  Sit with it.  Look at it.  Feel it.  Really be present in your life, without flinching.  Trouble is, I love trying to figure things out.  I thrive on dissecting and analyzing, altering and improving.  It's what makes me good at all the things I'm good at.  It's also what gets me into the most trouble.  It's too bad that writing is not one of the things I'm good at. 
So, this blog will be for me.  Open to the public to be read, commented on, dissed.  But ultimately, just for me.  I haven't written in a journal in a long time, and now is the perfect time to begin again.  I'm in a completely new place in my life, with things constantly changing and what seems to be 'my whole life ahead of me'.
Here goes nothin'.