Alcohol fixes nothing

I have an ongoing battle with booze.  I recently took a personal oath to meditate instead of drink when tension or irritability arose.  The first night I actually tried it, it worked.  It was dinnertime/home from work/cleanup/get Anya ready for bed time and I was just irritated.  Most evenings are like this because I feel so rushed and I'm tired from having been at work all day.  Getting home doesn't mean rest.  It means more demands for another 3 hours until I can crash. I imagined that a glass of wine would relax me and take the edge off.  It always does.  I can coast through moments that would otherwise bring out my inner bitch.  Nothing bothers me, and I feel free from the voice in my head that insists that certain things need to be done in a certain order for all to be well.  But, while intoxicated, however slightly it may be, the alcohol also totally interferes with my ability to be fully present.  I fall asleep without having planned my morning, without having given myself a head start on the dishes or making Anya's lunch for school the next day.  I will often forget to brush my teeth and wash my face, and will likely sleep in, not have time for a shower the next day, and end up being late anyway.  I knew that reaching for a drink when I felt the need to chill out was NOT a healthy response to stress.  I rationalized it by telling myself that LOTS of people do it, therefore, it must be perfectly acceptable.  And while it may be acceptable for some, for me, it is a red flag waving in my face shouting "You have a family history of alcoholism!" 
It was also a clue that I was doing myself no favors in regard to actually FACING the feelings I was having.  My spiritual practice of choice is basically just that: being totally present with WHAT IS, and not flinching.  Instead of looking at my irritation and recognizing that it was just the ego caught up in a story, I was caught up in that story.  So, the night I tried meditation instead of wine, I literally said to Eli "I need a few minutes."  Then, I excused myself to the bedroom, sat on the floor, closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing for about 5 minutes.  I emerged from that brief exercise with the tightness in my chest much loosened, if not gone altogether.  I was equipped to face the remainder of the evening.  It was so easy.  Easier actually than drinking, avoiding, and tuning out my life.
Fast forward to our Anniversary--about a week later.  Eli and I got a babysitter and went out to the movies and then dinner.  We do this about once a year, so it was a big deal.  The restaurant was great and had a long, beautiful wine list to match.  I decided it was OK for me to have a glass of champagne.  After all, I wasn't drinking it to calm myself or ease any sort of perceived ailment.  I love champagne!  The bubbles and sweetness are so celebratory, and being married to my high school sweetheart for 14 years was certainly cause for celebration!  I enjoyed the glass, ate my dinner and ordered another.  Conversation between my husband and I was a bit sillier than perhaps it would have been, but we're silly people.  I like feeling flirtatious and fun after all these years together.  We went home, cuddled on the couch, and I promptly fell asleep.  Around 2am, I woke up feeling as if I had been poisoned.  My stomach was sick, I was dizzy, and for some reason, all I wanted to do was lay down in the kitchen and place my cheek on the cold linoleum.  Eli got up and found some charcoal capsules for me and gave me a glass of water.  I took some melatonin and got back in bed.  This morning I woke up feeling OK, but really tired.  I am convinced that alcohol-induced sleep is not very high quality sleep.  All day I trudged through a slow day at work made even slower by my fatigue.  I should probably be getting in bed now, but I really wanted to get all this down before it escaped me.
So far, alcohol has kicked my ass more times than I've kicked it's ass.  There is a reason some people (like my dear husband) choose not to drink.  He told me last night that if I went without a drink for 6 months, I'd never want to go back.  I don't know about that.  But, I'm willing to give it a try.  Luckily, I know of some really tasty celebratory drinks that have zero booze.  Non-alcoholic champagne is actually pretty good.  Non-alcoholic wine is another story.  Going into the holiday season with this kind of resolution is going to be challenging!